Today already feels a little better than yesterday and a far cry from where I was feeling earlier in the week, but I’m still not where I need to be as my mind is still on an continual loop of negative thoughts and feelings and I just can’t quiet my mind just yet. I think being open about it, as it’s effecting me – rather than after I’ve overcome it has taken some of the burden away. Thankfully my partner is also extremely understanding and supportive during these times and without his support the struggle would be much more of a burden to manage on my own.
Being able to talk things over with him, as many times as I need to reassure positive thoughts and to help me to try to dispel the negative thoughts as best I can is a massive help to me in regaining some normalcy and control again. Taking this time to properly focus on my health again (not just physically) has almost reawakened my need to reassess the pace at which my life has been going. I’m taking some time for me again, to take baby steps until I feel strong enough to handle the other aspects surrounding my life. It’s made me realise that although I am an extremely goal orientated person who likes to make things happen for me and my partner and the ones I care for around me, that some things really are out of my hands.
I beat myself up so often and push myself to try and fix all of the issues within my family whole heart-idly on my own, but the truth is and always has been, that you can’t pour from an empty cup. I don’t have it to give right now, and although I will always be someone who wants to fix other peoples problems and make things alright, sometimes it’s safer to take a step back. It’s almost too big a task to face and isn’t my burden to face alone. Outside of the family the last few years as exciting and wonderful as they have been, have also been somewhat stressful and draining with not much of a recuperation period between.
We have moved from partners, to home owners, to fiances to husband and wife within the space of 4 years, 4 wonderfully amazing years which I would never change, but they weren’t without their challenges and stresses. We’ve worked hard to get to where we are and now we now need to take this time to recover and enjoy ourselves before the next big thing. I want so badly to be a mother, we both want to start a family, but I need to be more realistic about the stresses and anxieties I am causing my already depleted self around my fertility issues.
This slip into my symptoms of depression and negative thought patterns has really come as a bit of a sign that I need to stop overwhelming myself and be more patient with the process. If I keep moving forward and beating myself up for what I perceive to be massive failures in my own mind due to where my state of mental health is currently, I can only imagine where the downward spiral would lead. I don’t want this, I don’t want to be feeling this way and I know ultimately this won’t help us get to where we want to be.
So what next? Well that, I can’t and won’t answer. I don’t know what the future has in store for us as a couple with our goal of starting a family, I don’t know how my family will overcome its issues either, but I do know I need this time to recover and get myself feeling back in control of my own mind and just learning to have patience with myself and how things will turn out. It really has been a learning curve for us both and a continual journey around managing our life and our health, but I know with having Richard by my side, we can both over come it all together.
Taking baby steps for now…
Until next time.