A topic often surrounded by stigma, which so many feel uncomfortable discussing, approaching, sharing and for some even simply acknowledging. Living with or through infertility struggles is often a very challenging and isolating time in a lot of couples lives. I feel very blessed to be where we are currently with our beautiful son and a second child on the way but we are no strangers to the heart break of infertility struggles.
Anyone can be challenged to have a family. No matter what race, religion, sexuality or economic status, it is so important that we break down the stigmas and barriers that stand in the way of families being built. We have known longing, fear, shame, heart break, not feeling like enough. We have seen loss and heart break in our families and friends. We have had support systems, and also known those that have been unknowingly insensitive and unable to understand. We have known professionals, tests, invasive examinations, consultations, waiting rooms, results.
Our story took a route very different to what we initially anticipated, or were told. From the age of 12 I was told I might struggle to have children or may not have them at all due to being diagnosed with PCOS, this without a doubt set my life off on a trajectory that could have been handled so differently from the off.
The GP provided no guidance, no explanation, no support other than to simply place me on the contraceptive pill. My early teen and young adult years were surrounded by anxiety, low self esteem, feeling like I wasn’t good enough, not feminine enough, this knowledge made me feel judged and like less of a women. It forced me to consider very adult situations and plans that I didn’t have the capacity to know and decide upon.
When meeting my partner, falling in love, I felt vulnerable to share this diagnosis – I will never forget how supportive and loving he was even in those very early days, before we have become the unit we are now. It only further solidified the love I felt for him and with his support and strength we have navigated the hurdles that were to follow.
We reached a stage in our relationship where we knew we wanted to get married and have children, in no particular order. But given my diagnosis, we felt it was best to meet with our GP’s, get tested and see where we stood and how we might go about TTC. We got married among an MOT of tests and results being carried out, wondering when the right time would be to try. Our results came back and more tests and more tests until eventually we found ourselves in a fertility consultants office.
We had done everything we could before this stage, to get ourselves in as healthy a position as possible – cutting out gluten, dairy, red meat, sugar, alcohol etc, researching, exercising – advocating for ourselves, my cycles improved but sadly the consultant still sat us down and very clinically and without much feeling at all, told us we had a 1% chance of naturally conceiving on our own. Our hearts collectively broke. That was it, no assistance, no pill was even going to be offered to try initially, it was IVF or nothing – we made the decision to say yes to the treatment and they told us we would be submitted to a board for approval.
I can still remember leaving that room, even now years down the line. Trying to steady my breath as my heart beat paced uncontrollably, my chest tightening, fighting back the full warm tears gathering at the bottom of my lids, walking in search of the exit, my legs jelly, passing happy couples leaving the hospital with their beautiful babies in carriers. The juxtaposition, the bittersweet reality reminder.
Our story took a turn we never anticipated and are forever thankful and in awe of to this day – the week we received our confirmation letter through to say we had been accepted for IVF treatment, was the same week we discovered we were 5 weeks pregnant with our first son Finn, who decided to come along all on his own. We are here a further 3 years later having discovered that we are now about to have our second child – another who decided to come along on their own without any assistance.
We feel so so blessed that our journey has led us here, but the situations, experiences and memories that lead to this point are a part of you and never really leave you. I will never forget those instances and still have a very physical reaction when thinking back to them. Infertility is a hard thing to understand and appreciate unless you have gone through it, and there have been so many more people who’s journeys have far surpassed the heart break and challenges that ours have. My heart goes out to everyone this week, that this topic holds resonance for and for all times.
I really hope that one day, it won’t be such a stigma to share these experiences, to seek support, to give support to those who are going through infertility. I really wish that GP’s could be better trained and have more knowledge around reproductive conditions, to offer better advice and guidance as well as to appropriately treat these conditions and appropriately deliver diagnosis. To make better referrals, for ‘fertility specialists’ to be better trained in providing support and better emotional support during these consultations.
I hope that infertility is given more space to exist and to be acknowledged and appropriately supported in all environments including within work environments, that the impact of infertility on mental health is considered and supported. It is such a common occurrence for couples and individuals hoping to start or extend their families and yet the level of support and understanding is simple lacking. I pray for better.
Sending love, until next time.
Lisa xx
For the love of Lawrence 